So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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