I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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