I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
