I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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