did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
