Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
