She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
