so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
