I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
