Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
