Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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