New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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