Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
