i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Randomize
