there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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