Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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