i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My cat gives me a boner
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
