you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
