He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
