I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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