just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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