two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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