my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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