the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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