if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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