Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
