I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There's always time for handjobs
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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