I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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