You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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