I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
