stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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