i'm signing you up for texting rehab
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
