Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
