My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
sarcasm needs its own font
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
