3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
