apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
