im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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