I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
