I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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