i just had sex bonerless
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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