Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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