3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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