Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
