Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
