My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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