you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
