how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i wish my penis had a tongue
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
