my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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