Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
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I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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