i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
