The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
