I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
