One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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