a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
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