he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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