things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
