The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
