Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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