I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
COCAINE IS GR8
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
