my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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